Waiting Redux

There is an answer, of sorts: wait-listed. This amounts to rejection, although with the usual “it's not you, it's me!” appended. This is not untrue; the economy has many victims and the arts is among them. Several prominent programs severely cut funding and, in some cases, acceptances. A few suspended their programs for a year, letting the fields lie fallow and hoping for better weather.

I was hurt at first. Well, that's not quite true. I was hurt for a while (thus the delay in posts). If there is a graceful way to handle rejection, I have not mastered it.

For the first few days after receiving the dreaded small envelope, I sulked while insisting to everyone who would listen that I was definitely not sulking. Sara bought me peanut butter M&Ms and patiently listened to my non-complaining complaints. Then, I went through a brief bout of dreams in which the New School took me from the wait list, offered me a scholarship, and bought me a brontosaurus to ride to class.

Unfortunately, none of those dreams came true.

My nascent adult instincts intervened a few weeks ago and shook me from my malaise. I accepted a full-time position with my employer and made plans for the upcoming year. If waiting will happen, then it will happen on my terms.

So far, I have submitted a poem to a literary magazine and have been writing more frequently than usual. It is a good start. This summer, there will be no harvest. There will be the hard work of tilling fields that will only yield when the work is done.

I will post a version of the poem, “Parokhet,” tomorrow. Expect to see more work in the near future.

Waiting

I am still waiting to hear from the New School's admission department, and the lack of communication, the emptiness of not knowing, has manifested in variations.  Sometimes, it is sand in clockwork; the seconds drag one after the next, a weary procession of defeated soldiers.  Last night, it was a needle poised a breath before sleep.  My limbs ached and rain washed the stones.  But just as the last thought sighed its end, lightning slapped the skies.  And then I waited restlessly in the dark.

This morning, I woke late, edited a friend's essay, and tutored.  After the student left, I dawdled at the office because the mailbox sat, Sphinx-like, at journey's end.  Eventually, I gathered the remnants of my nerve and drove home.

The constant chatter of email has done little to lessen the muteness of the unopened mailbox.  When I check Gmail, the sender and subject are first and foremost; there is usually no unwrapping, no mystery to unearth, just the efficient transmission of information.  The New School does not send its decisions over email or phone.  The simplest packet of information, the yes/no on which all computing is based, is in their opinion fit only for the formality of the physical letter.

There is poetry in this decision; after all, writers aspire for their words to live in ink.  Pixels lack romance.  But I desire neither poetry nor romance.  Over these last weeks, I have ached for brutality, for directness, for bleeding in black and white.  1/0.  Win/lose.  Yes/no.

It is night now; there will be no mail until morning.  And so I will wait as the seconds grind one into the next until I face the mailbox once more.

Living Right Now

It's a gorgeous, sunny afternoon at the Bakehouse and I am happily digesting a tuna melt and mac & cheese.  The place is packed; a group of Chinese mothers are chatting while their infants stare at the strange sights.  At a window table, a young couple is eating lunch.

When the couple first entered, they seemed very much in love.  They sat down holding hands and made silly faces at the babies.  They shared soda out of same glass, Norman Rockwell style.  Their faces were joyful, their voices clear.  I felt their happiness and perhaps even a touch of jealousy.

The moment fully enveloped them.  They were engaged with, and engaged by, where they were right now, what they were doing right now.  This is a rare thing, rarer than it should be.

As a child, it was so easy to be present, to embrace the moment.  I remember one summer day when I, all of 10 years old, realized that inter-dimensional invisible dinosaurs were trying to destroy the universe.  No one else saw them; the responsibility of defeating their nefarious schemes fell on my shoulders alone.  My weapon?  A hockey stick.  Two hours later, I banished them to their nether realm and fell sweaty and blissful into the grass.

The young couple isn't saving the world from possible catastrophe, but that's the domain of children.  Their food arrives: a reuben with chips and a pickle for him, a lettuce, tomato, and mozzarella panini for her.  They grasp their sandwiches and lean in for a kiss.

Before their lips meet, he jumps as if waking from a dream.  His hand digs the phone out of his pant pocket and raises it to his face.  Her face goes blank; she leans back and takes a bite of her sandwich.  It doesn't taste as good as she had hoped.

His fingers flick across the screen, sending information out into the endless ether.  He apologizes and puts the phone away.  She accepts his apology.  They speak as they eat but their sentences stumble together.  When the food is gone, they don't linger.

As they leave, his hand twitches towards hers, then falls to his side.  They drive off and my jealousy disappears.

The Goblin Prince, Updated

Long time no post so let's get right to it.  I recently finished a significant overhaul of "The Goblin Prince".  There is now significantly more back story and a couple new characters inspired by Anne Terres' fantastic artwork.  You can see some of the new concept art in the slide show.  The reading level is now a bit higher.  The book is now meant for readers transitioning from picture books to chapter books, although there will still be illustrations on every page.  The extra words were liberating, though, and opened the possibility of future books about these wonderful goblins!

On a completely unrelated note, teaching is completely eating my time.  Steph Becker has been wonderful and patient with me, considering that her illustrations have been complete for quite some time.  However, I cannot find the time to A) learn how to layout a book and B) actually lay out the book.  Is there anyone out there who would be willing to help me with either of these steps?  "The Fox and the Shadow" looks absolutely incredible (and hopefully, reads just as well), and I feel awful that it is still unfinished.

Now it's time to finish a baseball article before my editor devours my soul for tardiness.  Hopefully, there will be a couple updates over the next few weeks including, but not limited to, news about graduate school admissions...

News News News!

Before I dash off to work (where I spend nearly all my time right now), a few quick updates and previews for this weekend's more extensive update:

1) I am currently working laying out pages of "The Fox and the Shadow."  A preview page will be posted this weekend!

2) Anne, the illustrator of "The Goblin Prince," sent some new character sketches.  They are absolutely fabulous and even better than before, as hard as that is to believe!  They will be posted as we start to finalize the vision.  Also, the manuscript itself is undergoing considerable changes, so it is a bit away from completion.  I'll work on it much more after my classes finish their exams and I submit my graduate school applications.

3) "Reckoning" is in the midst of a complete overhaul.  A new version will be up within the next month.  Thank you for your patience!